I came to talk about the Boulder Vegetable Rights Association. They're the grass-roots movement that has sprouted in Boulder to protect cute little life forms like me from certain death. Naturally, I kind of like that. Truth is, I'm an organism just like all other organisms on this planet. I can reproduce, I consume food and produce waste, and I have DNA. Some plants are carniverous and can even hunt their prey! I have a pretty good life. We vegetables have the security of staying in one place most of our lives. This way we can enjoy the sunshine, drink the rain and absorb nutrients from the earth.
I personally was raised as a free-range carrot, allowed to wander about the field as far as I could go. I wish they would stop raising those poor cherry-tomatoes in such cruel and inhumane conditions, keeping them in little boxed areas and plucking them from their vines when they are so young!
Unfortunately, there are some people out there who have targeted us for destruction. Vegetarians! They think that by killing us instead of animals, they will be healthier people or can claim a higher moral ground and lecture those who are not as "wise" as they. Animals are life forms, plants are life forms, people are life forms. The vegetarians kill many more life forms to eat than other diet groups. This is why you need to have some meat, eggs and dairy products in your diet. It's good karma. It's better nutrition. It makes a better world. It stops cruelty to vegetables and other living plants. It follows the natural food chain. So don't worry, be happy, and be nice to each other. Enjoy the sunshine, the rain, your food, and the good earth. Until next time, this is Cutesy Carrot, with another vegetable moment, signing off! See ya!
The Boulder Vegetable Rights Association, as I know it, stands for
sensible moderation of diet and attitude. It parodies fanatical
belief systems and pokes fun at narrow mindedness.
There is a life energy exchange between all lifeforms which consume
each other to survive. We should respect all forms of life, not
place animal life above human life or plant life. All life is
-- Ken Sullivan
This program was founded to help a person who was forced to be a vegetarian while working at a health-food store. He finally realized that he had been brainwashed and programmed into being a vegetarian, when he really wanted to eat whatever he wanted. He decided to take control of his own diet, life, and mind, but after doing so he suffered recurring attacks of guilt, doubtless from the mind control tactics of the people who wanted him to kill defenseless vegetables. He is now much better, with help from the BVRA, and is on his way to becoming a normal, healthy, happy, well-adjusted meatatarian.
1. Say "Vegetables are living things" every day.
2. When tempted by miso or tofu, meditate on a big, tasty, ham sandwich.
3. Talk to your houseplants, say hi, show you care, ask their views about Newt.
4. Say "Vegetables are my friends" every day.
5. Eat some cheese, a deviled egg, or some fancy appetizer with meat.
6. When confronted by a vegetarian, shout "NO!" 5 times and run.
7. Tell your houseplants how well you handled that vegetarian.
8. Ok, time to go for it: Eat a burger!
9. Tell a vegetarian that they eat life forms.
10. Meditate on a big, juicy, tender steak!
11. Read many restaurant menus that feature meat dishes.
12. Eat a huge feast with all kinds of non-vegetarian foods, with friends.
New research is underway regarding vegetable intelligence. Researchers are analyzing highly complex and mathematical symbols found in fields of wheat. These crop circles are apparently an attempt by vegetables to communicate with us. This indicates that plants are thinking, sentient creatures. These patterns may in fact be their ancient ceremonial grounds.
Vegetarians - nothing wrong with vegetarians. Some of my best friends are vegetarians. Admittedly, they're also quadrupeds....
"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!" - -- Butcher at the health food store
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important
occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants?
"Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Eat all the vegetables you want, but give thanks before you eat them... or anybody else. - Ken Sullivan
"Grant me the stubbornness to change what I can, the laziness to accept what I cannot, and enough beer to sit around and endlessly discuss the difference between the two." -- Dick Dunn
"All we are saying, is give peas a chance!"
-- Darragh Nagle
"If animals weren't meant to be eaten, then why are they made out of
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Abby Hoffman
"To personally kill your food, is to acknowledge that man *is* nature." -- Ron Reddon
"We've given a lot of kids a good sound philisophical reason they can share with their parents, about why they should not have to eat vegetables." -- Darragh Nagle
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
-- Unknown (Contributed by Linda Shrader)
Join the Blue Ribbon Anti-Censorship Campaign!